Well I’m not gonna lie, it’s been a struggle to get this post finished. As any artist will tell you, once you set the bar at a certain level and realize what you’re capable of it’s hard not to judge everything you create there after by that bar. I’ve been inspired by a few podcasts on this topic but trying to get all my thoughts cohesive and make it an interesting read has been the hardest part. I then read too much into what I should or shouldn’t say which haults the flow and then I get frustrated that it’s not flowing which then leads to doubting myself and questioning the point of this whole blog. A vicious cycle for sure. So I’ve thrown my hands up and surrendered all hesitation and judgment.

Now on with the show…..

Question: Can depression be an addiction?

I’ve been siting and thinking on this question for a while and I go back and forth but I’ve come to the conclusion that NO it can’t. What is addicting are the habitual thoughts your mind goes through. A path that goes round and round which, if you’re not careful, can lead you down a dark hole of spiritual destruction.

Think about life situation—>Feel angry about said situation—>Have self-pity—>Listen to sad/contemplative music—>Get sick of feeling sad/angry—->Get motivated to pull myself up and out—->Get deflated that Im not able too—>Think about life situation—>Feel angry about said situation—>Have self-pity—>Listen to sad/contemplative music—>Get sick of feeling sad/angry—->Get motivated to pull myself up and out—->Get deflated that Im not able too—>Think about life situation—>Feel angry about said situation—>Have self-pity—>Listen to sad/contemplative music—>Get sick of feeling sad/angry—->Get motivated to pull myself up and out—->Get deflated that Im not able too—>

Self pity is a powerful drug. One that silently fills your head space like a dense fog consuming every mountain, filling every cave and valley. Before you know it all the sunlight has disappeared from your internal landscape. Leaving you directionless and stumbling over your own feet.

Whether the substance is alcohol, drugs, sex or habitual thought patterns I feel that the addiction stems from a traumatic life experience. One  that bruises and batters you, emotionally and spiritually. Once you’ve reached that low point where you’re done trying to cope and deal, the substance is then used as a solution to the problem until IT becomes the problem. But I feel, at the heart of the matter, the problem isn’t the substance abuse. The problem really, is that you’re a broken soul walking around with a spiritual malady, unable to sit still with your own thoughts. Whic is a hard and uncomfortable task.  One that does not jive well with our modern lifestyle of instant fixes and 3 minute abs. Until you’re willing and able to site with these thoughts you will constantly be restless, always battleing the addiction.  

Just something to think about…..but not too much. 



My humanity

Listen while you read

It was September 12th and senior year was underway. The soccer team was hanging out over a homemade pasta dinner and jubilating over the game we had just won. We were a few games into the season and undefeated…STOKED! When dinner was done and the rowdiness had settled I hoped into my rusty grey and green VW bug and headed home, music cranked! When I walked in the door I was given the message “Lyndsey called, she wants you to call her back.” Lyndsey was one of my good friends. I strolled on downstairs unloaded my back pack soccer gear and took a quick shower before calling. With damp hair and wrinkled fingers I picked up the phone and hit the glowing numbers that connected me to my friend.


“Hey Lynds it’s Aaron what’s up?”

“You need to call Vicky right away!”

“Umm OK…why?”

She wouldn’t tell me. I was left in anticipation as she hung up and forced me to dial the number of my ex girl friend. When she picked up I was greeted with an anxious and shaky voice.


“Hey Vicky, it’s Aaron. Lyndsey said I needed to call you and that it was urgent. What’s up?”

“Aaron, I’m pregnant!”  

BAM….and just like that life happened.

Silence filled the phone receivers for what seemed like eternity. I didn’t know what to say. All I could focus on was the buzzing in my ears and my heart beating like a jumping bean. When I finally came back to reality we ended up talking awhile about the situation and tried to figure out what we were going to do. Really though, how can two kids make a rational or wise decision on a situation that should be reserved for those who have more years under there belt?! We ultimately decided that an abortion was the best plan of action, which was then rejected some time later for the new plan of going through with the pregnancy. Though it’s been hard, I believe all parties involved can agree that this was the best decision. Senior year and high school did not continue or end in the same light that it had started.

**Please be advised: A cold front is moving into the area!**

Darkness started to creep into my outlook

dmitry maximov Months went by and the small amount of friendship that had built up between Vicky and I since the breakup evaporated. Hatred and spite took its place. When the day came to see my daughter for the first time at the hospital, I didn’t want to have anything to do with it. What should be a day of joy and celebration was anything but. All I could think, and all I had thought about over the past 9 months, was what a failure I was to myself and to my family. “Why is this happening to me?!” If it had been left up to me, I probably wouldn’t have gone to the hospital at all that day and just treated it like any other school day, but alas, I did go thanks to my family. I can’t recall all the details about the visit or even remember seeing my daughter, but I do remember it being awkward and unpleasant. Not how it should be on the birth day of your child. The visit ended and I was off back to school.

Graduation day came and went with nothing special to speak of. “Thank god that’s over with!”

There was an upside though! My parents gave me a free pass to be able to spend the summer months being a normal teenager. I traveled to Ohio to hang out with my good friend from junior high, playing guitar, causing a ruckus around the suburbs of Kettering, and traveling to Connecticut for a guitar camp. Still some of my best memories!

When I got back home, the summer began to fade and it was time to saddle up and find some sort of 9 to 5. I did, and I spent the next 18 months working on hardwood floors. Every other weekend was spent watching my daughter and trying my best to be some sort of parent. In my free time, I was learning and playing as much guitar as I could by taking classes at the local music conservatory. My only passion at that point in time was music and playing guitar. It kept me sane and gave me something else to focus on besides my life circumstances. In my eyes my only hope was to keep pursuing it and try to make a career out of it.

I applied to a few select schools and eventually got accepted. In the late summer of 2002, I moved out to Hollywood, the land of dreamers and lost souls! While I was there, I met some talented guys and we formed a band. We did and experienced some really amazing things together and they are will always hold a special place with me. During this time I had glimpses of hope where I could see and thought things were going to work out the way I had envisioned. “YES, thank you!” Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to see my dream through to its fullest potential. When I look back, I shouldn’t be surprised. I was never fully IN the present moment because my mind was always distracted, even if I didn’t realize it. If I was in the practice room, playing on stage, talking with a fan or just trying to be a human being, I couldn’t. There were always lingering thoughts and doubts. A dark cloud always hovering. I was a broken soul. Just a skeleton of my former self. No curiosity or desire to experience the world around me. My time in dreamland was done and I was headed back home.

**WARNING: Severe weather is entering the area. Strong winds, heavy clouds and rain are likely.**

Eva_Hoffman_SUMMER-COLD-FRONT-finalist I was never clinically diagnosed with depression. After my grandpa passed away from suicide I learned that he had struggled with depression his whole life. I’ve read that if a person has family or siblings with major depression, they are 2 to 3 times more at risk to develop depression than the average person. With this in mind, I don’t feel it’s crazy or out of place to say that I was depressed. The days that I wasted in bed with my headphones on, getting lost in the eternal abyss of my thoughts is still vivid in my mind.

Were there good days during all of this? Yeah, definitely! Did I try pulling myself out of this hole? Oh yeah, numerous times. Did I want to feel this way? Hell no! Did I like feeling this way? Hmmm….that’s a tricky one….maybe?. Overall I would say NO but there is more to it than that. I’m not sure everyone who is/has been depressed feels this way, but I feel that there is a certain beauty about depression.  For me, music had more meaning. The emotion of those sad songs was felt more deeply. Especially when you found that one song that had a line that described your life or your thoughts perfectly. The nights were more mystical. City lights were brighter and more magical. My imagination ran a little more wild.

I wouldn’t say that I’m 100% the person I once was. I’m not sure I ever will be to honest. What I do know is that I am, at this point in my life, NOT depressed. It’s been a long journey, one that I will always be on. Still, there are days that I wake up in the storm. The difference now is that I don’t stay in that state very long. I acknowledge the thought(s), ask WHY,  what it might mean and then let it pass without dwelling. I.AM.NOT.MY.THOUGHTS! I’m still learning, growing and trying to figure it out and am content with who I’ve become.

I don’t claim to be in expert but If you find yourself in the same storm I would like to tell you that it’s OK. Take your time. Be sad. Explore your emotions. Get lost in those sad songs! Know that the events that put you there happened for a reason. Learn from them. You’ll still be loved even if you are depressed and you’ll still be loved when you come out the other side. The only difference is that you’ll love yourself too!

“Your Imperfections Make You Human and Your Humanity Makes You Influential.”  

– Josh Shipp


Some filler

Hey everyone how’s it going?! I hope your new year is going well and that you’re on track to make a breakthrough in some area in your life. As I work on my next post I thought I’d fill you on what’s been going on.

The weather has been conspiring against me.

We have had some weird weather this past month. It seems like it snows on my days off and then warms up on the days I have to work. It has made outdoor riding, for me, non existent this month. *SIGH*

The view from my trainer is getting old!

I love the convenience of the trainer and the fact that I don’t have to spend 30 minutes putting on cold weather gear just ride but man I don’t know how much longer I can stand it. Im itching for warmer weather! On the plus side, training is progressing along nicely. I started this block of training with the same fitness that I had in the middle of last summer so that is definitely encouraging. Now it’s time to start fine tuning the work to more climbing and criterium efforts…YEEHAW!

I’m on a streak.

I currently on a 25 day mediation streak and I’m stoked! My mind is calm and I’m feeling more calm and balanced in my mood and everyday life. Slowly but surely I’m pushing through the clouds and finding those blue skies!

Getting straight.

Rehab is going good. Its becoming easier for the Chiropractor to get me adjusted and I’m holding my adjustments better which is all a plus. It was said today that “Adjusting athletes is like fine tuning a violin” I thought that statement was pretty cool.

Last but not least….

A little video for you that I had not intention of making. I had some pictures and video from some of my December rides and wanted to try and make something of them. I threw them in iMovie tweaked them a bit and I decided it looked decent enough to share. There is something special about the views at this time of year that you can only get in the mountain states.


Getting Aligned

Do you know what your Atlas Vertebrae is? It’s OK if you don’t because I didn’t either until a couple months ago. Most people will know it as the C1.

I couldn’t explain it better so let me just take a clip from one of the articles I have read:

“The Atlas is the first vertebra in the neck and is unique in its shape and location. First, the Atlas is only held in place by ligaments and muscles and has no disc to tether it to the next vertebra. Second, it houses and protects the brain stem your body’s central computer.

Your Atlas should be sitting square with the head and the rest of the neck. Your eyes and inner ear are designed to be level with the horizon, along with the Atlas. When these three components are not in agreement, the nervous system suffers; however, the symptoms are not always found in the neck.

Your brain instinctively uses muscles to place your head level with the horizon. In the case of a misaligned Atlas, this can add stress throughout the rest of the spine, shoulders, back, pelvis, hips, knees, and ankles”

This post has gone through about 10 drafts so far and every time it get’s WAY too long and wordy. For some one who doesn’t dig on this kind of stuff I can see it being a drag to read SO let me just give you some pictures for your eyeballs to dissect. They will give you a better idea of what I’m trying to get at with out all the technical talk.



"OHHH DUDE there's your problem right there!" "Damn, I was wondering where my keys were!"

“OHHH DUDE there’s your problem right there!”
“Damn, I was wondering where my keys were!”



So as we can see my neck spine and hips are all out of whack! I think this all stemmed from a snowboarding accident I had back in high school where I suffered a minor concussion after I slammed my head on some ice after attempting some super basic not so impressive trick. This was when helmets weren’t popular but because of that accident they became very popular with me! Now that I’m a little more knowledgable on this spinal mis alignment it seems that ever since that first blow to the head my skeletal system has been a junkie feeding off my mis alignment and getting a new high every time I take another blow to the head or hip! Thankfully I’m not trying to pull 360’s in the parks these days.

At the time of this writing I’m about 3 weeks into a 36 week integrative rehab program consisting of chiropractic work and physical therapy. I’ll keep you posted as things progress or not progress.

“So remember kids, helmets are COOL even if your friends tease you and say other wise!”



My road to Everest(ing)

“Hey so I’m going to take on a new bike challenge next year.”

“Oh yeah, what are you going to do?”

“It’s this thing called Everesting.”

“Ever sing?”

“No, Everesting. Like Mt. Everest.”

“Oh. What is that!?”

“Well glad you asked. Let me break it down for you.

1. Find a local climb in your area

2. Repeat this climb until you have reached a total of 8,848 meters or 29,028ft of elevation gain Which is the total gain of Mt. Everest. (Oh I see what you did there)

3. You can take as long of break and as many as you need but it has to be done in one ride. No going home and sleeping for 8 hours and coming back to finish.

“Hmmm…Ok so that sounds cool and a little insane but WHY?!”

” Again, glad you asked…..”

The short answer: Why Not?!

The long answer:

I honestly didn’t even have this in my sights when coming up with a plan and goals for next season. I had come up with some basic goals like starting my training earlier, get my body and mind stronger with smarter strength training and a more consistent meditation practice and stay healthy through the winter months. Then I saw a video of a guy who’s Youtube channel I subscribe to and he was talking about his experience with it, how long it took, what he ate etc. This got my attention so I went and checked out the web site. After reading up on the rules and a bit of the history behind the challenge my palms got a little sweaty and I became nervously excited at the thought of doing this myself.

“What hill do I want to use?How long is this going to take me? What am I going to eat? What if I’m not physically or mentally fit to finish? Will I see myself as a failure?” were just some of the questions that immediately popped into my head. Even after pondering these questions I could only think of a positive outcome and the overwhelming thought “I can do this and I will do this”. Even as I write about it I get a smile across my face because for whatever reason this particular challenge resonates with me.

As I’ve been making friends and family aware of what my plans are I’m coming up with more motivational reasoning to take this on. Maybe I can spark a little inspiration in those who don’t think they can push themselves beyond what they think they’re capable of or what they’ve been told they aren’t capable of. We are our own self limiters period! If you can see over the fence of these limitations, even just a little bit, then I think you have already taken a valuable first step in becoming a better you. And as a finial thought; We all need challenges, mental and physical. Hopefully by going through these challenges we can get a better understanding of who we are, what we want and where we want to go. Discovering and unlocking your most authentic self as they say. Up to this point I’ve had my share of mental and physical challenges but I have yet to put myself in position to test the two together. Which seems to me most endurance athletes, whether they are aware of it or not, are trying to do. So somewhere in the warmer months when the wild flowers are lining the road again you will find me going up and down again again and again.